I got my first email address in the 90's, or at least the 1st one I used for official communication and business. You know, for doing adult stuff like school administration communications and employer contact method (which was actually really advanced at the time).

It's also important to note that 99% of people didn't have a cell phone or beeper either. An answering machine was amazing new tech. It started with tape, but once it turned digital was the dawn of the digital communication age.

The reason for this exposition is that

• People were not easy to contact

• People had low expectations for response time

• People understood compartmentalization and hierarchy of personal relationships

This was not a bad or good system; it's just how it worked. Societal norms had shaped around communication capabilities. But increased communication tech accelerated so fast that Etiquette fell away, and everyone expected MORE. More access, more response time, more importance. A total erosion of any norms. But I also do not longingly look back at the slowness of those times, IT SUCKED. So many missed calls, so many missed opportunities, so many missed adventures. I needed to find balance between the benefits and detriments of the technology and the terrible lack of norms around it.

Our Support Systems is importance

Everyone wants to feel important, but those who show up for you are your support system. That's ultimately how you determine "importance", the people you care for and who care for you. The people that you want to help through life because they do the same for you. Parents and siblings are your first support system. Over time you add friends, then found family, then work (self-support). Some people's messages you will take in almost any situation or get in touch as soon as possible. Others you may take your time, either to make sure you can hold a space or prepare for with information or brace yourself.

1. Family - Children, Parents, Partners, Siblings

2. Found Family and Community

3. Community and locality

4. Livelihood

5. People

6. Non-people: Companies and Automations

Channels

Once you understand who you want to give the most attention to, you also have to decide how you communicate with them. Channels overlap everywhere, but they don’t have to. Just like people, your communication methods need importance assigned.

Be explicit about your response times on each channel so others know what to expect. If your family insists on using a Facebook Messenger group chat and you rarely check it, say so. You probably have someone in your life that completely manages everything via email, so informing them of something will require using that channel.

Map out all the channels you use, identify where each relationship naturally fits, and look for common patterns. If you can negotiate "better" channels, it will require patience and support for the people that agreed to trying something new to them.

Notifications

Google Control notifications on Android - An...

Apple Support Change notification settings on iPhone

Now that you have people and channels mapped out, set your notifications.

What types of notifications are available to you?

• Lock screen messages

• Banners that pop up while phone is unlocked

• Badges showing unread counts

• In app notifications

Besides the encryption and disappearing messages in Signal, the in app notification management has really won me over (not an ad). I favor signal because you can be in a large group chat pin it to the top but mute it at the same time. I can just pop into that chat when I have capacity to read and catch up.

When you find that an application has in-app notification settings that works in a way that you find palatable, you need to keep this in mind for other channels.

An equally important part of notifications is the timing of them. When you get certain messages from certain people is vital component to maintaining notification hygine. If you parent, child, or partner calls you at 02:00 in the morning, they know you are probably sleeping. It must be an emergency! You want the phone to ring no matter what! We need to spend time on this scenario and break it down into parts to help influence our notifications

1. Parent, Child, or Partner have some nuance due to where you are in life, but these are the mostt important people. They would do anything for you, and you would do anything for them.

2. 02:00 you were asleep, this better be important. Those closest to you know what's important to you. Especially their wellbeing. They wouldn't reach out at this time unless they needed you.

3. Phone call, people don't call as much as they used to. Probably because we've developed all these asynchronous methods of communication. Phone calls are now emergency channels of communication

Now it's time to be honest with ourselves. The rest of the people in our lives don't always respect these three types of thresholds. Unless you have a job with a focus on emergency response time, Work shouldn't be communicating with you outside of work hours. If your boss messaged, you on Instagram to pick up a shift in 3 days like .... seriously? WTF? This is why Steps 1 & 2 are important for influencing notifications. But Notifications need time / availability context. Fortunately, both iOS and Google both provide Focus Modes.

I have 3 focus modes

• Work

• Reduced interruptions

• Do Not Disturb

My Family is the only ones who can break through DND, Found Family is the only ones who can break through reduced operations, and guess what? Work stuff only notifies during work hours / days. A Lot of my notification hygiene is built towards Focus Modes. It works well.

Expectations

Now that you've set all this up for yourself, if won't work unless you set expectations. This part of the communication is vital. Letting people know the channels you use and when you use them, and for some people you are going to have to let them know when it's okay to reach out.

Bluesky is a good example. As much as it is fun, it's also kind of a pain. Notifications and Focus Mode integration are limited. I turned off DMs as soon as group chats were announced. It gets no banners and no badges. I mostly use the mutuals feed and only check other feeds when I’m looking for something specific or just want something to read.

I fully expect conversations on Bluesky to be asynchronous over hours or days. Honestly, I wish messages disappeared after six months because everything is so context‑bound and time‑bound. I want people to know I read their posts, so until we get view counts, I’m liking everything I read. (Pretty sure this is what earns me blocks the most these days.)

I was off social media for 13 years, so I don’t know, or care, about microblogging "etiquette" around quote‑posting or replying to older threads. I delete all my posts on my account‑creation anniversary. But I’m talking about Bluesky as a channel, not the people on it.

I’ve made friends there. I’ve met some of them IRL. There are others I want to meet IRL. Some people have been exceptionally kind, and they’ve stayed within the boundaries of the Bluesky channel. I respect that a lot. It takes two people agreeing to switch communication channels. But you can’t know how I treat Bluesky as a communication channel unless I tell you.

You need to let people know what they can expect from you on the channels you use.

Refine

Once the first four steps are done, you’ll need to refine them occasionaly. Notification hygiene isn’t “set it and forget it.” As your apps, habits, and relationships change you will need to update the notifications. An occasional once over can be refreshing

• What’s a needy app? Turn it off.
  Does your mortgage app really need to notify you about anything?

• Has an app become more important? Turn things on.
  More people are on signal? more group chats? Hot dang!

• Does another app offer better in‑app notification controls? Use them.
  If your email client has more granular settings, get in there and tweak them.

• Has a community changed? Adjust accordingly.
  Maybe a Discord server that used to be quiet is now buzzing. Maybe one that used to matter doesn’t anymore. Maybe the owner / admin / mods are too fre with @everyone

Refinement is triggered by changes in your life, your tools, or your relationships. New job? New friend group? New social platform? A hobby you are diving deep into? A community that becomes overwhelming? These shifts should prompt you to revisit your people, your channels, your notifications, and your expectations.

Notification hygiene is an ongoing practice. Revisit the first four steps whenever something starts feeling noisy, stressful, or out of balance.

Refine until it feels manageable again.

In Summary

1. Know your support system

2. Identify communication channels, to consolidate

3. Set notifications based on 1 & 2

4. Set expectations with 1

5. Refine (loop 1-4)